i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
