well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
