Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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