A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
