i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
