just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
