The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
