I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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