in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
