My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
