no, he came in my armpit
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
