U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
