I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
