Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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