my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
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You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
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Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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