If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
