i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
