You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
