i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
