youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
