please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
