I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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