just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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