so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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