oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
