I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
organizing the empties. That sober.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
