I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
