it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
