the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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