I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
