I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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