Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
