two words: eviction party
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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