Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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