I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
