She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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