saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Randomize
