why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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