It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
