you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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