I bet he comes in French.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
How does one acquire holy water?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
