Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
