i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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