i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
