this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
