Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
