Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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