There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
