There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
