I'm jealous of your bromance
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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