Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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