I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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