Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
