Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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