He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
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