My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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